22 Worst Case Scenarios for This Thanksgiving

With this being the week of Thanksgiving, it’s time to prep for the family infused festivities to come. Awkward conversations with people you see only once a year, gluttonous appetites, unwanted drama spill-outs, and the inevitable food coma you will be sent into once the chewing has ceased.

With all this and so many other un-pleasantries coming your way, what are some things one can prepare for? The truth is, you can’t prepare for family.

It is what it is. They are who they are, and you are who you are. You can keep your mouth as stuffed as you want to avoid talking, but at any given point, you inevitably will be approached with any of the following situations.

Here is a list of inevitable happenings coming your way this Thursday. Feel free to print this article out and make a kind of sad bingo card.

  1. “Look how tall you are getting!” –Relative you see socially only when another family member dies and/or it’s Thanksgiving.

  2. A dreaded long commute to a location in which you will count every second before you can leave.

  3. “So, when are you getting married?” –Aunt who asks you that every time you’re within 7 feet of her.

  4. The annual unzipping of your Uncle’s pants after dinner to watch the NFL game.

  5. The annual unzipping of your Uncle’s pants BEFORE dinner and before the NFL game.

  6. The relative who brings a plus one to the event who looks so out of place you can’t help but want to put her out of her misery.

  7. The aunt who begs the men to change the channel so that the Macy’s parade can be viewed instead. (She is ignored).

  8. Your smartphone that was to be your only salvation today –dies and leaves you stranded.

  9. The one cousin who says nothing to anyone, nor responds to any questions in answers longer than one word.

  10. . The one aunt who is so “In-the-Zone” while in the kitchen that she kicks out your other aunt for being “in the way”. The drama begins.

  11. . You pretend to like turkey more than you really do because you feel that is what you are supposed to do.

  12. . The awkward circle you all form around the table to go around one-by-one listing what you are thankful for.

  13. . You scramble to think of something to be thankful for because your sister said what you were going to be vocally thankful for.

  14. . Observing a fight over the only two drumsticks. (Your silent one-word-answer cousin gets one by default due to his uber-protective mother).

  15. . Your other cousin who attends college out-of-state makes an appearance after several Thanksgiving absences and announces that she is vegan.

  16. . Your Uncles make relentless fun of that cousin for being a vegan. She debates how many thanksgivings she will have to miss after this one to live this event down.

  17. . Your other distant (3 times removed) cousin who has somehow become extremely attractive after their two years studying abroad sits across from you during dinner. You begin to try and convince yourself that it wouldn’t be that weird if you two hit it off. (It would be, by the way.)

  18. . Your mother who insists you tell that story about that-time-you-lost your-swim-shorts-at-the-lake-that-one-time when you were seven.

  19. . The drunk Uncle (pants still unzipped) spills on himself and doesn’t realize it.

  20. . Your other aunt makes a passive aggressive comment to your zealous chef aunt and an argument ensues. (Other attending relatives avoid eye contact like they will turn to stone if their eyes meet).

  21. . Your own father steps in and quells the argument. (He doesn’t want to be here either).

  22. . Dessert is served and you know your horrible-cook-of-a-cousin made one of the dishes, but you don’t know which until it’s too late.

At least this is only once a year. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

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